


In Your Head They're Still Fighting

by bristow



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-31
Updated: 2013-10-31
Packaged: 2017-12-31 00:30:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1025209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bristow/pseuds/bristow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>he'd picked up the habit again two days later. sitting there with a flask in his hand, watching jim. it seemed normal, like it was a part of him that he'd been missing without even knowing it. it'd been the only thing that had stopped them from coming.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Your Head They're Still Fighting

He'd picked up the habit again two days later. Sitting there with a flask in his hand, watching Jim. It seemed normal, like it was a part of him that he'd been missing without even knowing it. It'd been the only thing that had stopped them from coming. The odd one slipped through, shaking him to his very core, his whole body just quivering as he stood over Jim, gripping Jim's hands like that'd somehow bring Jim back to him. Anything to stop himself from crying his damn eyes out. His whole body went numb, his mind filling with a thousand and one screaming voices making him feel like he just didn't want to live anymore. Not if this was life. He'd hide in the darkness of Jim's room, sitting in a chair and alternating between drinking and crying, sometimes getting the flask to his mouth despite his shaking hands.

Whenever anybody came to see Jim they'd see Doctor Leonard H. McCoy, CMO of the Enterprise. The calm, collected and completely in control Doctor, caring diligently for his patient like nothing had ever happened. And then they left and it started all over again. The other Doctors called it 'post traumatic stress disorder', a common and completely natural disorder among Starfleet officers, particularly ones who'd been through things that he'd been through. They smiled and shook their heads while saying it, like they were really saying 'Yes, perfectly normal. You poor, pathetic person you.' He didn't even bother trying to deny it. Why deny it when he new it was the truth? So he'd moved on, as best as he could. He spent all of his days tending to Jim, alternating between being the calm and collected Doctor that everyone knew and the Doctor that stood in a darkened room, gripping onto a chair for dear life as his whole world shook around him.

It'd seemed like years, but finally Jim woke up. He stuffed the flask somewhere, drank more water and sprayed disgusting spray into his mouth to get rid of the smell of alcohol as much as he could. Because the one thing he could never live with was Jim's disappointment in him. Not after all of this. He had him back for craps sake, there was no way that he'd let Jim know just how far he'd sunk.

He was pretty sure Uhura knew. She had this unnerving way of getting inside your head and reading everything that was going on like it was a damn newspaper. She'd smile at him every time she came to see Jim, touching his shoulder or patting his arm, never saying anything. But she didn't have to. Bones knew the universal 'I'm here if you need anything' touch. And he was damn certain that Spock knew everything. He'd come to visit Jim, sitting by his bed for awhile, waiting for Jim to come back from his therapy, his hands on the armrests of the chair and just stare at Bones, watching everything he did and following every move like Bones was some damn science experiment under a microscope. Bones did the best he could to ignore Spock, willing that his hands wouldn't involuntarily shake while holding something, so maybe he'd just go away on his own without Bones having to throw him out. But not all the time.  
"Damn it man! Don't you have anything better to do?" Spock raised one eyebrow and cocked his head slightly to the side, just causing Bones' blood to boil even more.

"I'm not sure what you are referring to Doctor. I am simply visiting the Captain, as I do this time every day."

"Simply visiting!" Bones scoffed, "There's no simply about it!" Spock raised the other eyebrow and opened his mouth to speak, but Bones held up his hypo spray at Spock, shaking it slightly. "And just stop there Spock! I don't need one of your 'illogical' speeches man!" Spock stared at the hypo spray like Bones might suddenly lose it and jab him somewhere with it. "Not right now." Bones lowered his hand, turning away from Spock and rubbing his eyes. He leaned against a table, lowering his head and trying to make himself breathe normally. Spock didn't say a word, but Bones could feel him watching. And for some reason, that was all Bones needed. He gathered himself together enough before Jim came back, smiling and joking and full of life. Bones made sure he was ok, then disappeared as soon as humanly possible, to some deserted place to try and drink his life away like he'd tried to do years ago.

It was three weeks later when Jim finally went home. Bones tidied up his room, packing away the instruments, getting ready for some other poor soul who'd be lying on that bed next. He'd tried to stop drinking, telling himself that he'd only started again to help him through it all. And for three days, he didn't touch a drop. He'd said no when Jim had asked him out with the rest of the crew. He said no when Sulu asked him to come out with him and Chekov to some new bar near the base. And he even said no when he'd had to drag a crew member back from a drunken bar fight, all bloodied and bruised. Jim tagged along, half drunk and more than half angry at himself for letting it happen. He'd sat and watched Bones begin to stitch the kid up. Bones stared at the kid's face. He'd been no older than seventeen, a new recruit and years too young to be even in a bar let alone on a hospital bed with a gash the size of a ball on the side of his head. The kids eyes were filled with pain and fear, his hands shaking in his lap. Bones knew he should say something, anything to calm the kid down, tell him 'It's ok, just a cut. You'll be fine. You're damn Captain has had worse than this in the academy for crying out loud!' But all he did was stare, not really seeing anything. His hands stood ready to cure, but he couldn't even move them.

"Bones?" Jim came up behind him, placing a hand on his shoulder. "What's wrong?"

"I can't." The boy looked even more nervous, looking from his Captain to his CMO.

"Can't what, Bones? It doesn't look that-"

"I can't do it anymore, Jim. I just can't." Bones put down his instruments and walked out without so much as a glance at the kid, getting his act together enough to tell a nurse to take care of him. He threw his tunic off and numbly walked to the nearest bar, sitting down at the counter and drinking some vile thing out of a bottle till his mouth went numb. He didn't know when or even how Jim got there, siting down next to Bones and ordering the same as him without saying a word. They just sat there drinking in silence, a million and one thoughts fighting for supremacy in Bones mind, with one standing out from the rest.

"I can't do it anymore Jim."

"I know Bones. You just need to take it easy, we've all been through-"

"No Jim! I can't do it!" Bones looked away, not daring to look Jim in the eyes, "I'm going home, Jim."

"Home? Bones, this is your home."

"Same damn bar?"

"You know what I mean, Bones. The Enterprise, we're your home." Bones shook his head, staring at his drink.

"Not anymore. You see what I did in there? I froze Jim! I damn well froze! What happens the next time some guy gets shot? What then, Jim?"

"You'll fix him Bones, just like you always do. You need time, just-"

"Time? There's not enough time in the whole bloody world for that! I can't. What happens next time? What if they die? What if you-" Bones stopped, emptying his glass in one swallow.

"I'm not going anywhere Bones." Jim said and Bones glanced up at him.

"But you did, Jim. And I just sat there and did nothing."

"Nothing? Bones, you saved my life!"

"I did? I thought that was Spock who did that?" Bones regretted it the minute it came out, but it was too late for that. He pushed his chair back, staggering slightly as he pushed his way through the crowded bar.

"Bones! Bones wait!" Bones didn't slow down, he kept on walking into the dark and into Hell knows where. "Bones!" Jim finally caught up with Bones, matching him stride for stride. "Bones!"

"I'm going home Jim."

"Why didn't you tell me, Bones? You have PTSD?" Bones stopped walking, his breathing coming fast as he let Jim's words sink in. "Why didn't you tell me? I had to find out from Uhura."

"I'm surprised that green blooded hobgoblin didn't tell you."

"Spock knows? You told Spock but you didn't tell me? I'm your Captain Bones!"

"Yes Jim," Bones said turning around to face him, "Yes, ok I have PTSD. Ok? I have PTSD from losing my best friend and sitting there, watching if he'll make it or not and praying the living day lights outta me that he would! Yes Jim, I have PTSD and I'm a drunk! There. Is that what you wanted Captain?" Bones spun around, leaving Jim behind him. He turned the corner, stopping and falling against a wall, sliding down as a mixture of the alcohol and something else began taking over. He hit the ground, dragging his knees up and putting his head in his hands. He didn't cry. He just sat there, pain and shivers coursing through him. He gasped in breath after breath, willing himself to breath. Just a few more then you'll be home. He heard the footsteps come near and felt as the person sat down. Jim put his hand on his shoulder again, squeezing it slightly.

"I'm right here Bones." He said, "I'm not going anywhere. You're home Bones." He started rocking back and forth, Jim moving with him, his arm over Bones' shoulders. He tugged slightly and Bones let him, falling against Jim's shoulder. He let Jim wrap his other arm round him, rocking them both back and forth. "Its ok Bones. You're home."


End file.
